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Written by Mark Gregston
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Thursday, 31 January 2008 |
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Word Count: 1138 Rulemaking Versus Ruling Your Home
Rules for your home should fall into three main areas of concern, which are
foundational to all other character and maturity issues. They are honesty,
obedience, and respect. After all, isn't the ultimate intent of creating and
enforcing rules in your home that of keeping a child's poor choices from
consuming him and destroying his relationships with others?
So, when you think about the rules that govern your home, you might want to ask
yourself two questions. The first question is, "How much will this rule matter
after I am gone or when the child is out on his own?" The second question is,
"Will this help build my child's character and cause him to become more mature
or responsible?" If the rules for your older teenagers are not centering on
character, then you're most likely ruling your home instead.
"Ruling" works and is necessary when kids are younger, but as your children
reach the teenage years they naturally begin weighing decisions on their own.
When they choose to break the household rules, they need to deal with the
resulting consequences. Teenagers understand consequences. That's how they
learn, not from lecturing or parental anger.
When a teenager butts heads with a "ruler," conflict and frustration will
result. The only thing they'll then learn is either how to better hide their
improper actions or how to scream louder than the ruler does. Neither of these
modes are productive and can also lead to a legacy of poor parenting.
Rulemaking in Your Home
Rules need to make sense. We can all think about rules set down by our own
parents that made no sense at all and others that were beneficial to us (even
though we may not have liked them).
Rules also should be relevant, attainable and beneficial, not a source of shame,
frustration, or failure.
And rules need to be communicated in advance, right along with the consequences
for breaking those rules. Think of it this way. If no one knows the rules, then
your teenager will have to learn them by trial and error and will constantly get
into trouble. Likewise, if consequences for breaking the rules aren't known,
then a teenager has no way to weigh those consequences against whatever pleasure
they find in breaking the rule. This balancing of actions versus consequences is
a critical skill for adolescents to learn and exercise.
Finally, rules need to evolve over time, as lessons are learned, kept in line
with the growing maturity of your teenager. I'm not talking about "giving in."
I'm saying that out-of-date, irrelevant or demeaning rules will lead to
animosity, loss of respect and rebellion by your teenager. They can also lead to
consequence confusion, since outdated rules are often not enforced. So,
regularly update your rules and restate them to your teenager (before they break
the rule, not after), awarding them with freedom and added privileges for the
progress they make.
Rules Are Enforced Through Reasonable Consequences
Consequences for teenagers should never hurt physically (other than aching
muscles from work assignments). They should never be demeaning or undermine the
child's self-esteem. For teenagers, the loss of a privilege is the most
reasonable and powerful consequence. Sometimes they don't realize how many
privileges they enjoy -- at least not until they lose them for a time.
Think about some reasonable consequences for your home. And keep in mind how
important it is that they are communicated well in advance so the teenager
doesn't attribute the consequences they receive to your poor mood or a bad day.
When they break a rule they should know exactly what the consequence will be.
And just like laws in our society, parents need to build in progressively
stronger consequences for rules that are broken again and again (since the
initial consequence was obviously not enough of a deterrant).
Setting up rules and enforcing consequences -- more than any other thing you
manage as a parent -- is the best way to help your child learn right from wrong
and to change from selfish to unselfish thinking.
Don't Cut Off Relationship When They Do Wrong
When you line out the rules, make it clear that they are developed in the
context of longing for your child to do well in life, more than a selfish need
for you to be in control or your home to be pristine. Above all, keep in mind
that your relationship with your child is more important than their breaking any
rule.
Don't correlate your teen's rule-keeping or rule-breaking to your love or
acceptance of them. Regularly let them know that you will continue to love them,
even when they mess up. Express your sorrow when your teen experiences
consequences, but take care not to express your disappointment in them. There's
a big difference between those two sentiments. One is caring and the other is
destructive of your relationship.
The Parent's Admonition: "There is nothing you can do to make me love you more,
and nothing you can do to make me love you less."
When your teenager breaks a rule (and they will!) show your deep love for them
by refusing to let them off the hook. Teenagers mostly learn from consequences.
So avoid taking the consequences away or lessening them. When consequences are
known well in advance, it shouldn't damage your relationship when they are
handed out. Surely, your teenager weighed the consequences at the same time they
chose to step over the line, and chose to do it anyway!
HOME ASSIGNMENT: If you have teenagers in your home, line out some rules for
your home, and begin to think about what consequences to apply. Decide things
like: who pays for what, what time frame is expected for certain things like
curfew and chores, what you expect from them for school and grades, work, their
spiritual life, their friends. Address issues like respect, honesty and
obedience, with clear rules -- no lying, no cheating, everyone gets respect.
Call a family meeting and work on the rules together, so everyone is part of the
decision making. You'll be surprised. Your teen will often suggest penalizing
their own bad behavior with consequences more severe than you were thinking.
Remember, being the "ruler" of your home is not a good measurement of the
effectiveness of your parenting.
Mark Gregston is an author, host of two radio programs, and the founder and
director of the Heartlight Residential Center for Struggling Teens (http://www.heartlightministries.org).
He has been working with troubled teenagers and their parents for over 30 years.
For more on the topic of rules in your home, you may want to click to listen to
the radio program "Getting Your Home in Order" or visit Mark's blog at
http://www.markgregston.com.
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