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Written by Mark Gregston
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Wednesday, 19 December 2007 |
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Word Count: 1103 Shootings: When Hurt Teenagers Hurt Others
I always wince a little right before a newscaster shares the name of the
shooter who took out his aggression, anger, or disappointment with life through
the senseless killing of many at a mall, school or a church. I wince not just
because I have a tough time hearing of such a tragic event, but I wince with the
thought that in the next second I may hear the name of a young person from a
family I know.
I wonder about this 19-year-old kid in Omaha, Nebraska and what his motivation
was to shoot and kill 9 innocent people and injure several others in a crowded
mall on December 5 --the deadliest mall shooting in US history. Did anyone sense
that something like this could happen? Where were the shooter's friends? Where
were Mom and Dad? Why did he feel that the killing of others would compensate
for loss in his own life? Where did his hopelessness and rage come? Don't you
find yourself asking the same questions, trying to "make sense" of it all?
Many of the increasingly common mall, school and church shooting tragedies are
met with comments from friends of the shooter that say in some form, "I never
knew that this person would do this..." or, "We did all the right things...how
could this have happened?" or "This young man was a Christian kid, how could he
have....?" These are questions that we probably won't know the answer to this
side of heaven. But, I'm convinced of this. We live in a hurting world that
hurts people. And those hurt people, hurt other people.
Hurt people, hurt people. And if we can help those who hurt, it will stop them
from hurting others.
Hopelessness is a tough state of mind to be in, no matter who you are. And
hopelessness left alone can breed depression and even contempt. In a state of
depression people just don't think well. They feel isolated. They feel that no
one likes them. They feel "dark." They are sometimes consumed with irrational
thoughts like, "Why was I even born?" or, "I'm nothing but a failure." Left
alone and untreated, these people can justify just about anything....ending
their own life, an uncaring attitude about other's lives, and a mindset that
"things will only get worse." It's a tough place to be.
If those thoughts are fueled by the unkind actions of others, whether actual or
perceived, it can be enough to send a hopeless and depressed person over the
edge. As rare as these incidents are, they capture our hearts and attention, and
should cause us all to reflect on what could have been done to prevent such
tragedies, since in many more cases that we don't hear about, the hopeless
teenager simply ends it all without a fanfare.
An understanding of what is driving these young people to plan and carry out
mass murder can help bring a sense of "sense" into the "senselessness" and a
plan to help ensure it doesn't happen with a teenager you know.
I am sure that I have met many young people just like each of these shooters.
Had they not worked through their "issues" and developed new coping skills in
our Heartlight counseling program, it would not have surprised me to hear their
names on such a newscast. I know, because I have sat and talked with them for
hours, weeks and months helping them through it -- helping them get to the other
side.
Now, there are people that have psychological issues far beyond the common
person's ability to help them. In most cases, these issues are quite apparent
and good doctors and medications can help. But there are many more people, and
teenagers in particular, who silently struggle. If we never try to reach out to
those silent ones who are struggling, they will continue down their dark path.
"Faithless is he who disappears when the road is dark." --J.R.R. Tolkien
If you think you cannot help a teen through such a situation, let me assure you
that it doesn't take a degree or some great skill. It takes a
"with-ness"....being with someone as they struggle through tough times, to bring
light to those dark places.
Here are a few ways to bring light to the life of a hopeless teenager:
1. Brush off the Push-Off -- Don't avoid what you think is a person's attempt to
keep you away. Always offer yourself in ways that let a young person know that
there is nothing they can do to push you away.
2. Just Listen -- Spend time "being" rather than "fixing." Be with them and
don't try to fix everything. Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and don't get
mad when they say things that are "sharp" or confused.
3. Encourage Help -- Encourage the help of others. Counselors, doctors,
therapists, pastors, teachers, school staff, and even law enforcement if things
get beyond what you think you can handle. Just don't give up. Hang in there with
them. The reason many people don't reach out for help is because that action
would confirm in their own minds that there is something wrong with them. So any
way that you can help them feel and understand that it's okay to not have it all
together. The best way to transfer this concept is to let them know that you
don't have it all together either.
4. Be Watchful -- If you see something that is suspect, get other people
involved. Don't just ignore what your heart is telling you. I'm not saying that
you should have a license to be paranoid about everyone you see, but I am
convinced that there are many people out there, that would welcome a helping
hand to literally cling onto as they walk through their struggles.
5. Keep With It -- Stay in relationship for the long haul. Hurt people take time
to heal. Let them know that you will walk with them on the "long walk," not just
the "short stroll." Don't abandon them.
And if you need more help, bringing light to dark situations with teenagers is
what the full-time Hearlight residential counseling program in East Texas is all
about. It has helped thousands of kids get on the other side of such issues.
Mark Gregston is the Founder and Executive Director of the Heartlight
Residential Counseling Center for Teens (http://www.heartlightministries.org) and author of "When Your Teen is Struggling." He can be reached at
www.markgregston.com.
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