What to Do After Your Divorce or Break Up

The choice you make at this moment determines how the rest of your life unfolds. When you are hurt by divorce or a break up or a death, you can feel the emotional pain or continue to try to avoid your hurt feelings.

If you choose to become more defended, your body becomes harder and your heart closes tighter. In your next relationship you are sure to repeat your same old "hurt pattern." You might even think that you are attracting the same kind of person, yet again.

On the other hand, you can choose to be wise and brave. You can choose to open up to the emotional pain that is currently happening instead of running away from it. When you choose to open up to your emotional pain, your body become more relaxed and your energy flows. You resolved your "hurt pattern" and do not have to repeat it in your next relationship.

It was a broken heart that kicked my own personal transformation into high gear. So I know that the thing you need to hear the most is that you are lovable and that you are loved. This is what you need to remind yourself of over and over again, even though it does not feel true right now.

In addition, you need to reassure yourself that you have done nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with you. You might be thinking that if you had only done this, they wouldn't have left or if you had only done that, they wouldn't have died. Or you might be experiencing regret that you abandoned your partner.

Reassure yourself that you are not a terrible, bad, unlovable person. This is true and it helps to hear it and say it to yourself. A broken heart needs love, not judgment.

Of course you are not perfect. Of course you pushed love away with your controlling behaviors. Of course you acted out your unresolved emotional issues in your relationship. This is true of everyone. Your partner was also doing the exact same thing with you. Of course you blamed them and they blamed you. This is universal relationship stuff. These emotional dynamic are exactly what you want to become more aware of so that in your next relationship you are better at intimacy.

Everyone has these relationships problems. No one is perfect. We do not have to be perfect to be loved. Perfect is an image and no one loves an image. We can only love our real self and the real self of others. This is what you want to get better at doing-loving your real self.

As you learn to open instead of close to your emotional pain, you are feeling your hurt and letting it move through you. You are learning to stand on your own two feet and support yourself. You are learning to take care of yourself so that your needs and desires are met.

Hurt is the first sign of life. It is like a frostbitten hand. It hurts like hell when it is warming up. When your hand is frozen and ready to die, there is no pain. You hurt when you are returning to life. So remind yourself that pain is the first sign of life.

You need courage and support to stay in the hurt and feel it. A Natural Process for Opening the Heart, as tapes, CD's or written material, was made to comfort you and lead you though the process of letting go of past hurts once and for all so that you do not repeat them. Order at www.drjeanette.com/tapes.html

I know it is hard and painful when you are in the middle of it. So remind yourself that It is a powerful turning point in your life. You are learning to stay with yourself though life's natural processes, breath by breath.

There is a wonderful, delightful magic that happens when you feel your hurts. You let go of them, they disappear. The area where your hurt was frozen in your body now is open and soft so that you can receive love. Open Hearts attract love.

Your heart become strong and healthy, allowing love to flow in and out of it with great vitality. You can learn to enjoy each moment in the process of becoming more of who you really are-even the painful ones.

About the Author

Doris Jeanette, Psy.D, a licensed psychologist, teaches you effective holistic psychology principles that enable you break free from unconscious, unhelpful behavior. Author of "A Natural Process for Opening the Heart - Your Emotional Guide to Self Esteem" which was used and praised by Elizabeth Kubler Ross, available at tapes, CDs or http://www.drjeanette.com/tapes.html